I have said before that many have walked away over the years. Some have walked away from me completely while others are still friendly but steer clear of anything of substance in order to avoid what they know is deep in my heart. Both types of walking away are painful. I struggle with it every time it happens which is more often than not. It seems to me that there is one overarching factor in why people who seem so genuine in their care and desire to walk this road with me soon walk away or pull back sharply.
This post puts those thoughts out of my head and into words, written words for others to see. It scares me though. It feels so out of character for me. I don't stand up for what is helpful for me, for what I need. I have gone back and forth for days and days about whether or not to post this at all. It feels wrong to say what I will say in this post, but I believe that this is part of learning how to use the voice that was taken from me, MY voice. I also think it is information that should be considered by all who are not survivors but want to walk with a survivor.
Here is how it seems to happen. I throw out a few hints of my past and the journey I'm on. When someone hears my story, even just parts of it, they feel a tug at their heartstrings. Abuse is an awful thing of course. This pull on the heartstrings leads many, I think, to want to do something. Not knowing exactly what to do, they offer their support, their friendship, their willingness to "be there" for me as I pursue healing. It looks like compassion, but I fear it is often times more along the lines of thinly veiled pity. I, however, put up the deposit and let them in. I know it will cost me, but I hope the cost is worth it. A friend is such a treasure on a journey that is often quite lonely.
At first, they are there. They start off strong, and their friendship is a comfort on a hard and difficult road. But as time goes on, they are there less often. They seem irritated or distant. I never seem to heal fast enough, and they get burnt out, usually rather quickly. They tell me they've done all they can or that I know what I need to do and we no longer need to bring this up, I can do it on my own. The look of what initially appeared to be compassion turns to a look of emptiness since the compassion was pity, and pity runs out. I didn't heal like they thought I would. More than that, they didn't know walking with me would cost them too, and now that they do, they realize they weren't willing to pay the price. They forget how big God is when they see how big hurt can be.
I want you to know this. It certainly costs me to let others near enough to be a friend on this journey, but there is a price you pay for walking with me too. It will cost you time. The journey is not a fast one. It will cost you a comfort you didn't know you had as you come face to face with statistics that now belong to someone you care about. You will see me, hear of evil you knew existed but never thought much about, and those numbers you hear about will seem a lot closer than they ever have before. You will see that there are far more of me much closer to you than you realized. It is an uncomfortable reality to face to say the least. It will cost you ease as you realize you must fight with me and for me on your knees, helping me carry a burden I simply cannot carry on my own though I have tried and tried again. It will cost you pain. If you stick with me, you will get weary and tired, and your heart will hurt as you see me struggle with my past as I press on to my future. You will find hurts in your own heart you have not taken the time to find healing for (since you likely didn't know you needed healing) and that will cause you pain of your own also. It will cost you the box you try to fit God into. It's so easy to put God in a box. I do it too. But as you walk with someone whose wounds are so deep, your box will be too small for the God who can bringing healing to such depths. It is challenging to have that box shattered. I know. He's been shattering my box this entire journey. This is a good cost, but it is not pain free and is so vital to count. If you aren't willing to give up your box to keep God small, you won't be able to walk with me.
I can try to explain the cost to you in words, but the price is much higher than I can adequately describe. While the price is high, the reward is great too, but you must be willing to see your investment to the end. I am not sure if you can get your cost back should you choose to walk away. I know I can never get back the price I pay to let you walk with me. That is what makes it so frightening to let you near me. I can't make you stay. I can tell you that if you keep pressing on with me, the return for your investment will be worth far more than you can dream. If you see this through, you and I both will have a reward well worth the price we both pay.
If You Want to Walk With Me
You say you want to journey with me as I go
But first there are realities that you must know
Don't be shocked when your willingness I fail to believe
Because there's a price that I pay which you cannot see
If you want to walk with me
The price that I pay is costly and steep
And once it is paid can never come back to me
But I'm not the only one with a high price to pay
For there's a cost to you also to journey this way
If you want to walk with me
Your eyes will be opened to a harsh reality
Well known to all though most choose not to see
Where darkness and evil reign without limitation
And you'll wish you could believe my truth is mere fiction
If you want to walk with me
The lifeless statistics that you've always known
Will begin to take on a life completely their own
While the endless numbers turn into the faces
Of those who you love in your deepest heart places
If you want to walk with me
At times the path will leave you beaten and bruised
You'll wonder how much longer you have to push through
For this journey is long and each step is a fight
And the road presses straight through the darkest of nights
If you want to walk with me
My burden is heavy and can leave you quite weary
Time spent on your knees will leave you hurting and bloody
But your company is a treasure I won't take for granted
And there is great hope the return for your cost will be worth it
If you want to walk with me
When you feel the tug on your heartstrings as you hear the story of a survivor, you just have to step back and decide whether or not you really want to invest. Take time to consider whether you feel compassion or pity because your pity won't last, but compassion is good fuel for the journey. I do not know a single survivor who takes lightly the friendship of those who choose to walk with them. I also do not know a single survivor who does not know the pain of being walked away from. We know it isn't easy to walk this road with us. That is why we treasure those who stick with us even when it's dark and difficult and slow going. We really do believe this journey is worth it or we wouldn't be working so hard at it. If, after you have considered the cost, you're willing to invest, we trust it will be worth it for you too in the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment