I have a poem I want to share with you though. If you follow my Facebook page, you saw a Scripture I shared yesterday. It is a passage I go to often when I find it difficult to breathe. A particular verse stood out as I read this familiar to me passage the other night fighting for breath.
"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, He saved me.
Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For You have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I believed, even when I spoke: "I am greatly afflicted";
I said in my alarm, "All mankind are liars."
Psalm 116:5-11
What stood out to me was verse 10 where the psalmist says "I believed, even when I spoke" and then goes on to speak of his struggles and afflictions. This is exactly what God has been teaching me...that I can pour out my raw emotions (when I am able to feel them), my hard questions, and my deep struggles to Him. As I do that, I will not be condemned, but rather, He listens and cares. Even as the psalmist spoke of his great afflictions to God, he still believed God and His promises as expressed in the verses prior.
God allows me, even expects me in my humanness, to break and question and hurt while still believing. My struggles to make peace with the reality of abuse I live with does not negate my faith. My faith anchors me in the stormy waters of healing from such experiences. As I continue to face my past and claim the truth of my past for the first time, I am breaking. I am completely falling apart under the weight of wounds I have tried to ignore but will not go away...but as I break, I still believe.
Still I Believe
For so many years I have trembled behind
Walls of numb to protect the child inside
But as I press on now those walls are crumbling
Panic sets in though I run I am stumbling
My then and my now they begin to collide
But each way I turn there's no safe place to hide
I struggle to reconcile my past and my present
Fighting against my reality and wishing it wasn't
Crushed by the truth and the first sting of grief
Here I am broken, yet still I believe
For too long I've ignored the wounds deep within me
Invisible pain that no eye could ever see
But these are wounds that time cannot heal
And pretending they aren't there can't make them less real
I try to hold the pieces of me together in my hands
But the weight of these wounds is too heavy to withstand
The air becomes thick as my breath fails my lungs
Shattered pieces start falling as I come undone
The tears escaping my eyes they show my soul bleed
Here I am broken, yet still I believe
All this time spent ignoring my truth but it's still here
So I search for the courage to face what I most fear
But as I stare in the face such a past I can't make sense
Of the horrors that live in my memories and I'm spent
Confusion and chaos wreak havoc on my mind
As I frantically search for the answers I can't find
Questions abound in the cries of my frail heart
Unable to settle my soul where do I start
Heavy words flood my thoughts but my tongue just can't speak
Here I am broken, yet still I believe
And this I believe that my God You will not fail
You will hold to Your promises though in my heart doubt prevails
I believe that You see every tear that I cry
And even the tears I won't let leave my eye
I believe You gave everything to call me Your child
Though I give You nothing but a heart crushed and defiled
I believe that You're giving me hope for tomorrow
That Your love and redemption will heal even this sorrow
So I fall apart in Your arms knowing my wounds You see
Here I am broken, yet still I believe
