"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:21
I love the eagle imagery in the Bible. My family and I greatly enjoy birds and particularly bald eagles. We watch a few different cameras set up to watch real nests in the wild. We have watched eagles incubate, hatch, and grow. It has been wonderful to watch and experience in a small way. We have learned so much as well. In the last couple of weeks, a lot has happened...more than I would share here. It's been hard, but along the way, I have found a metaphor in the journey of an eagle from egg to flight as I fight for healing and freedom. This might be a bit choppy and long, but I hope you'll be willing to bear with me.
Let me begin with what I have come to know...really, truly, deeply know. This is big yet terrifying. It was not my fault. I bolded that because it is so important, but, truth be told, I can barely utter those words in a whisper that is audible right now. I know it's true now. I really do. It's been a very hard truth to stomach but more on that in a minute. I want to briefly explain how I came to really understand this even though I've had people telling me for years it wasn't my fault. Before now, I always had a "but..." to every reason they gave me. I fought against it with everything in me...until it hit me full force.
It started with questions. I was studying in Psalm 18, and I saw God's just treatment of David. God is a just God. I believe that. What God would not be just? Anyways, as I considered God's just character, I started asking questions. Did He see me as responsible? Was it my fault? Did everyone who was telling me it wasn't my fault know something or see something I couldn't? Did it mean something that he went to prison, but I didn't? I didn't know where to start, but I was pointed in a direction to start by a friend who has not wavered in her commitment to walk this road with me. So, I started looking for answers, unsure of what I would find and where. I spent weeks pondering these things, praying, searching the Scriptures and the laws of this country. I was getting pieces, but I wasn't seeing the whole picture yet.
Then one night, I came across a video of a lady speaking at a college class, telling her story. I watched the whole video in a few sittings. I was mostly drawn to it because she was 13 and her abuser was 23 when it started for her. It struck me because I was 13 and my coach 23 when things started. It also caught my attention because I feel like when people think of "child abuse" they imagine little children...5, 6, 7, 8, 9 years old. They don't think teenager. Many people over the years told me I was old enough to know better, old enough to stop him, old enough... My age meant I was responsible. She was the same age as me though, and she had come to know it wasn't her fault. I listened.
She told her story and what happened after. She told her parents some time after it stopped, and they went to the police. She talked about the legal process. I won't explain all that happened in her case, but one thing did not happen. Her abuser was not required to register as a sex offender despite her being adamant he do so. She wanted that label to follow him around in the hopes that it would be a warning and protect someone else in the future. He was charged with something that made no reference to the sexual nature of the crime and was not required to register. He went on to marry and have kids. Then she said it was later discovered he was abusing his wife and children. She knew what would happen. She saw what kind of person he was. She tried to attach a warning to him but the legal system failed her. There were other victims after her. Then the wall came crashing down on my head...there were other victims after me.
That means something significant. There were others after me. I had always thought it was my fault. I was the reason things happened. I was the problem. BUT if I was the reason things happened, if I was the problem, if it was my fault, when I was taken out of the picture, things would have stopped. BUT THEY DIDN'T. There were others after me. If I was to blame for what happened, then he would not have kept doing the same things to others when I got too old and wasn't what he wanted anymore. It was cause-effect. If I was the cause, the one at fault, then take away the cause and the effect stops. When I was out of the picture, the effect kept on because HE WAS THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG!
I know, that sounds like such a good thing to understand. It sounds like it would bring freedom and relief, but it didn't. I went into a panic for hours. The effects of understanding this truth and a couple of other smaller but still important truths completely disrupted my fragile world and flipped it upside down. It has taken almost two weeks to find solid ground again, and I'm still not back where I was before. There is still progress I had made in some areas that I lost and haven't gotten back yet. But here is where the eagle metaphor comes in.
Bald eagles incubate their eggs for approximately 35 days before they hatch. When an eaglet is finally free of its egg, it is small, weak, and completely dependent on mom and dad eagle for protection and nourishment. The tiniest of eaglets has wings though. They hatch having all the body parts necessary for flying, but they can't fly. Their little, downy wings are weak, awkward, clumsy. They don't know how to use them just yet. As they grow, they stretch their wings to gain strength. Their downy feathers they are born with are replaced with mature feathers. They gain better control of their muscles and wings. They slowly venture out onto nearby branches, hopping and flapping their wings while they go. The once awkward, weak, and clumsy wings become strong, coordinated, and powerful. Then one day, they take flight, and those weak, clumsy wings they could hardly control give them a freedom they have dreamed of since they first saw mom and dad fly to and from the nest.
I know that this truth is meant to bring me freedom, but it hasn't. It has brought me face to face with realities I have long since denied or minimized. They are hard realities, painful realities. Like the brand new eaglet, I have wings, but they are awkward, weak, and clumsy. They have not brought freedom though one day they will. First, I must stretch them, grow, mature into them as I face these hard, painful realities, learn how to feel the feelings I have pushed aside as I see, for the first time, the whole truth of what happened. As I face what happened, learn to call it what it is, learn to grieve what was lost, learn to own and accept all of it, my wings will stretch and strengthen. They will become more coordinated and powerful. And as healing and redemption are worked out in my body, my soul, my heart, my story, my voice, as I wait for the Lord in all these things, He will strengthen these weak, clumsy, awkward wings until I mount up with the grace and power of the eagle and fly with the freedom He has promised.
One thing I hope anyone who is walking with a survivor would take from this is that when your friend unlocks a huge truth that you see as freeing, be patient with them. The wings that you see as a means of freedom may be very weak and clumsy to the one who just realized she had them. It may be painful and hard from where she is. Stay with her where she is trusting that her wings will strengthen as she matures into them, and the freedom you can see from where you stand will one day be hers. Wait with her as she wrestles through the hard things. It is only when you stay with her where she is that you will see those awkward wings one day take graceful and powerful flight in freedom.
My dear survivor sisters, take heart. I know those wings you can't seem to control feel awkward and clumsy. I know you feel like you'll never fly free. You may not even realize you have wings yet. I only realized I had mine within the last few days. It's been a painful and challenging realization. But if we take it one day at a time, one step at a time, our wings will gain strength. Coordination will come. Healing and redemption will give us wings that are graceful and powerful and set us free. We just have to hold on while we grow. It's hard and uncomfortable and just plain painful. But there is safety in the nest, in the protection of His wings. As we grow, He gives more and more freedom until we fly on our own with the very wings we can't yet control. I'm with you. We will fly together one day with the grace and power of the eagles. He has promised, and He is faithful.
Let me begin with what I have come to know...really, truly, deeply know. This is big yet terrifying. It was not my fault. I bolded that because it is so important, but, truth be told, I can barely utter those words in a whisper that is audible right now. I know it's true now. I really do. It's been a very hard truth to stomach but more on that in a minute. I want to briefly explain how I came to really understand this even though I've had people telling me for years it wasn't my fault. Before now, I always had a "but..." to every reason they gave me. I fought against it with everything in me...until it hit me full force.
It started with questions. I was studying in Psalm 18, and I saw God's just treatment of David. God is a just God. I believe that. What God would not be just? Anyways, as I considered God's just character, I started asking questions. Did He see me as responsible? Was it my fault? Did everyone who was telling me it wasn't my fault know something or see something I couldn't? Did it mean something that he went to prison, but I didn't? I didn't know where to start, but I was pointed in a direction to start by a friend who has not wavered in her commitment to walk this road with me. So, I started looking for answers, unsure of what I would find and where. I spent weeks pondering these things, praying, searching the Scriptures and the laws of this country. I was getting pieces, but I wasn't seeing the whole picture yet.
Then one night, I came across a video of a lady speaking at a college class, telling her story. I watched the whole video in a few sittings. I was mostly drawn to it because she was 13 and her abuser was 23 when it started for her. It struck me because I was 13 and my coach 23 when things started. It also caught my attention because I feel like when people think of "child abuse" they imagine little children...5, 6, 7, 8, 9 years old. They don't think teenager. Many people over the years told me I was old enough to know better, old enough to stop him, old enough... My age meant I was responsible. She was the same age as me though, and she had come to know it wasn't her fault. I listened.
She told her story and what happened after. She told her parents some time after it stopped, and they went to the police. She talked about the legal process. I won't explain all that happened in her case, but one thing did not happen. Her abuser was not required to register as a sex offender despite her being adamant he do so. She wanted that label to follow him around in the hopes that it would be a warning and protect someone else in the future. He was charged with something that made no reference to the sexual nature of the crime and was not required to register. He went on to marry and have kids. Then she said it was later discovered he was abusing his wife and children. She knew what would happen. She saw what kind of person he was. She tried to attach a warning to him but the legal system failed her. There were other victims after her. Then the wall came crashing down on my head...there were other victims after me.
That means something significant. There were others after me. I had always thought it was my fault. I was the reason things happened. I was the problem. BUT if I was the reason things happened, if I was the problem, if it was my fault, when I was taken out of the picture, things would have stopped. BUT THEY DIDN'T. There were others after me. If I was to blame for what happened, then he would not have kept doing the same things to others when I got too old and wasn't what he wanted anymore. It was cause-effect. If I was the cause, the one at fault, then take away the cause and the effect stops. When I was out of the picture, the effect kept on because HE WAS THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG!
I know, that sounds like such a good thing to understand. It sounds like it would bring freedom and relief, but it didn't. I went into a panic for hours. The effects of understanding this truth and a couple of other smaller but still important truths completely disrupted my fragile world and flipped it upside down. It has taken almost two weeks to find solid ground again, and I'm still not back where I was before. There is still progress I had made in some areas that I lost and haven't gotten back yet. But here is where the eagle metaphor comes in.
Bald eagles incubate their eggs for approximately 35 days before they hatch. When an eaglet is finally free of its egg, it is small, weak, and completely dependent on mom and dad eagle for protection and nourishment. The tiniest of eaglets has wings though. They hatch having all the body parts necessary for flying, but they can't fly. Their little, downy wings are weak, awkward, clumsy. They don't know how to use them just yet. As they grow, they stretch their wings to gain strength. Their downy feathers they are born with are replaced with mature feathers. They gain better control of their muscles and wings. They slowly venture out onto nearby branches, hopping and flapping their wings while they go. The once awkward, weak, and clumsy wings become strong, coordinated, and powerful. Then one day, they take flight, and those weak, clumsy wings they could hardly control give them a freedom they have dreamed of since they first saw mom and dad fly to and from the nest.
I know that this truth is meant to bring me freedom, but it hasn't. It has brought me face to face with realities I have long since denied or minimized. They are hard realities, painful realities. Like the brand new eaglet, I have wings, but they are awkward, weak, and clumsy. They have not brought freedom though one day they will. First, I must stretch them, grow, mature into them as I face these hard, painful realities, learn how to feel the feelings I have pushed aside as I see, for the first time, the whole truth of what happened. As I face what happened, learn to call it what it is, learn to grieve what was lost, learn to own and accept all of it, my wings will stretch and strengthen. They will become more coordinated and powerful. And as healing and redemption are worked out in my body, my soul, my heart, my story, my voice, as I wait for the Lord in all these things, He will strengthen these weak, clumsy, awkward wings until I mount up with the grace and power of the eagle and fly with the freedom He has promised.
One thing I hope anyone who is walking with a survivor would take from this is that when your friend unlocks a huge truth that you see as freeing, be patient with them. The wings that you see as a means of freedom may be very weak and clumsy to the one who just realized she had them. It may be painful and hard from where she is. Stay with her where she is trusting that her wings will strengthen as she matures into them, and the freedom you can see from where you stand will one day be hers. Wait with her as she wrestles through the hard things. It is only when you stay with her where she is that you will see those awkward wings one day take graceful and powerful flight in freedom.
My dear survivor sisters, take heart. I know those wings you can't seem to control feel awkward and clumsy. I know you feel like you'll never fly free. You may not even realize you have wings yet. I only realized I had mine within the last few days. It's been a painful and challenging realization. But if we take it one day at a time, one step at a time, our wings will gain strength. Coordination will come. Healing and redemption will give us wings that are graceful and powerful and set us free. We just have to hold on while we grow. It's hard and uncomfortable and just plain painful. But there is safety in the nest, in the protection of His wings. As we grow, He gives more and more freedom until we fly on our own with the very wings we can't yet control. I'm with you. We will fly together one day with the grace and power of the eagles. He has promised, and He is faithful.
