I learned, when I was younger, that asking God the hard questions shows a lack of faith and calls into questions whether I really know Him. I was also taught that pouring out my struggles to Him was complaining, and of course, complaining is a sin. Somehow, I got in my head there is a right way and a wrong way to pray, and I needed to get it right. Asking questions and pouring out honest struggles to Him did not make the cut of what I was allowed to pray. So I didn't.
Over the last six months, as this has been hanging around, it has been pointed out that all over Scripture, and particularly in the psalms, people ask God hard questions. They ask Him with boldness, and they pour out their hearts to God in shocking ways. They don't gloss over their feelings or struggles to make them look more put together for Him. My struggle came in trying to reconcile what I clearly saw in Scripture with what I had been taught when I was younger.
...then I wrote a poem...
A Daughter's Plea
Dear God what am I supposed to do
I'm too broken and ashamed to come to You
I'm hurting and scared, why can't You see
Where is the comfort that You've promised me
You brought me to this journey Yourself
Am I left to walk it alone without help
So one day You'll wipe every tear from my eye
But what about the tears I've locked deep inside
I plead and I pray every day without end
Where is the rescue You said You would send
I'm weary, tired, beaten down from the fight
I give up, I'm just pieces of a shattered life
My daughter, I see you when you can't see Me
I will lead you and love you and set you free
I know that it hurts as I tend to your wounds
But after the tending the healing comes soon
Though the journey is long I won't leave your side
And when the road's rough, in My arms you can hide
Yet when I feel far away and you think you're alone
I will send you a friend for My care to be shown
Precious child My heart breaks as I see all those tears
And each prayer, silent or spoken, fills up My ears
I see your worn soul, I'll carry you through the fight
Sweet daughter, I love you, I'm for you, I'm restoring your life
The questions flowed out of me despite my belief that it's wrong to ask hard questions and pour out honest emotions. I wrote this, and I hated it. It felt wrong to even write, but the words filled my head and wouldn't let me rest until they were out.
I shared it with the only pastor who has ever believed my story, who has been patient, compassionate, and caring. We talked back and forth about it over the course of a couple of days...and then it clicked! He pointed out psalm 22.
"My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are
You so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O, my God, I cry by day, but You do not
answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
Yet, You are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In You, our fathers trusted; they trusted and You delivered them
To You they cried and were rescued; in You they
trusted, and were not put to shame." (vs. 1-5)
Those are some hard questions, and that is raw, honest emotion. But in the midst of his questions, he remembers what is true about God. The psalmist is brutally honest with his struggles, but even in the questions he rests in remembering Who God is and what is true.
My pastor pointed out that I had done the same. I began with hard questions and raw, honest emotion. Then I remembered what is true about God. It doesn't answer the questions or heal the hurt or take away the raw emotions, but it does settle my heart on what I do know in the midst of what I don't know. My pastor said this..."You are preaching to yourself what is true about God even while questioning. That, my friend, is faith."
It all made sense. It isn't a lack of faith to be honest with God...it is a step in faith to be honest with Him. He sees my heart anyways and already knows my questions and struggles whether I bring them to Him or not. God welcomes my honesty, and He listens whether I can put words to my prayers or not. He says in psalm 34...
"The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and His ears toward their cry...
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" (vs. 15, 18)
I am counted righteous in His eyes because of Christ's completed work on the cross for me. His ears are attentive to my cries...my difficult, hard questions about a life that doesn't make sense...my feelings that flood me and leave me drowning as I struggle to cope...my raw, bleeding wounds that time has not healed...He hears them all and He draws me nearer to Himself!
He welcomes my honest brokenness. And as I let go of all the broken pieces I've spent years trying to hold together, as I pour out the agonies I can't escape, I can still find rest in what I know to be true about God. I do not have to fear His condemnation for my questions and my hurts, for Christ was condemned in my place.
Now I can go to the the very throne of grace with my deepest hurts and my toughest questions with freedom and confidence and there find grace and mercy. That alone takes a burden off my back. I may hide my past from countless people this side of heaven, but I do not have to hide from God. I can come out of the crumbling walls I've built up around me and fall apart, completely broken, yet shielded and hidden in His arms. And there I wait for His healing...broken, bleeding, questioning, but trusting Him because I know Who He is.
My dear, sweet sisters, I know you hurt too. I know you have questions...really hard questions. He welcomes your questions too. He listens to you pour out your honest brokenness and hurts to Him. He draws you nearer to Himself as He sees your broken heart. You may not get answers right away. The pain won't be gone in an instant. But...He is turning His ear to your cry, and while you fall apart in His arms, there is still rest for your soul in your brokenness because of Who He is.
As you lay in His arms, broken and bleeding and questioning, I am there with you. Together we will ask the hard questions...cry as our wounds bleed...trust Who He is and learn to trust Who He is...we will wait for healing together in honest brokenness and unanswered questions. We will fall apart freely before Him while He shields us and hides us in Him.
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