My family moved just a couple of years ago to another state. I still am connected with a lot of people from where we came from. Recently, a few people posted a news article from that city about a recent crime and a sketch of the suspect. The basics of what happened is a woman was sexually assaulted at a local grocery store, in what is considered a good part of town, in front of her child, and the suspect got away. I have not actually read the article. Those kinds of articles are rather triggering for me. I know to avoid them, but I have seen the commentary of some people I know and am acquainted with on my personal facebook page.
As I have watched the comments on the article shared by people I know, there have been calls for justice and hope that this guy will be caught and punished to the fullest extent of the law. There has been lament at how poorly sex crimes are handled by the justice system in general. There has been pity for the lady and her child. I read these reactions just on an acquaintance's page..."I don't know how anyone could recover from something like that"...and "the woman's life is ruined and tarnished."
I read those comments, and I have something to say about what is a common reaction to stories of sexual crimes committed against both children and adults.
We are not ruined! No, we cannot ever undo what has been done to us. Yes, it is a terrible tragedy that will remain with us for the rest of our lives, but when you say our lives are forever ruined, you strip of us any hope we had to recover and move forward and have a fulfilling and rich life after such trauma. Sometimes that hope is really hard to find in the first place. Some days the hope that other people hold for me is the only hope I can hold on to. When the pity and fear (because these comments stem from the fear of becoming one of us) of other people say over and over that life is over after trauma such as sexual abuse or assault, you are saying that there is no hope for me or the other survivors that are out there. You are saying we are damaged goods, trashed forever, broken with no hope of being beautiful again. You are wrong!
What you don't realize is we are living seemingly normal, every day lives right alongside you, and you don't even know we are here! We have to fight and work and struggle to face hard things in life that haunt you in your worst nightmare. We lived your nightmare, and we fight to get out of it. Our lives are not ruined. We look just like you. We have families, just like you. We go to school, just like you. We have jobs, just like you. We live, just like you...only we work really hard to press on through the trauma we have experienced. We have to learn how to trust again, learn how to feel, learn how to heal, but we can and we do heal.
We learn to enjoy the little moments in life that we once missed because of the effects of what we experienced. We learn to laugh again. We learn to love again. We learn to live again. There will be parts we will deal with the rest of our lives, but that does not mean our lives are less than yours. It means we are brave, and we are strong even when we feel like we are falling apart. But even when we feel like we are falling apart, we are still living and fighting to enjoy the life we have. We work for healing, and we recover what was broken and become more beautiful than before. While the trauma is ugly, the redemption and the healing are beautiful, and if we let you in to see it, you should know it's an honor. Will you put aside your pity and look past your fear to see it?
I'm also pretty sure we are not tarnished. I struggle with this a little more because I still feel tarnished. I still feel tremendous amounts of shame that are woven all throughout me. And shame is what tarnishes. The tarnish you think we have is the same shame you say isn't ours. Aren't we supposed to be more than what was done to us? Aren't we supposed to be more than our trauma? Isn't that what well meaning people say? Do you believe the trite platitudes you speak in the face of what makes you uncomfortable...namely our experiences, our pasts? Do not heap more shame on us by viewing us as damaged, tarnished, marked forever by what was done to us. We carry enough shame that isn't ours. We do not need yours too. What someone else did to us in the past is not the sum of who we are now even for those of us walking through the depths of recovery.
Yes, I will always carry scars when these wounds stop gushing, but my scars do not make me less of a person than you because your scars are more palatable than mine. You are not tarnished by the hurts you have experienced, so do not tell me I am tarnished because of mine. I see over and over people pointing to victim-blamers as the reason so many of us live in silence, and that is certainly a big part of it. But you who pour out your pity and see us as defined by our one experience and think we will never be able to move forward keep us silent too. We do not want your pity. When we expect pity, that "she'll never be normal again" attitude, as the response to sharing our story, we just won't share. Will you look past the crime committed against us and see us as people?
I know someone who walked through recovery and came out on the other side. Sure, sometimes things pop up, but she knows how to handle them now. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders as I walk the road to recovery myself. She said someone told her of God's promise to restore the years the locust had taken. She wanted that, and it sometimes kept her going when it got really hard. She has told me she has seen Him keep that promise. She tells me of the things she savors and enjoys that she would have missed before the hard work of healing. She says it was worth it! She is glad she kept going and encourages me to keep pressing on when it feels like too much to take the next step. Her life is not ruined! She is not tarnished! My life is not ruined. I am not tarnished. Our lives are not ruined! Our lives are not tarnished!
If you want to look at us through the lens of pity and through the fear you have of becoming one of us, please keep your comments to yourself. We are working hard to get our lives back, and we do not need you fueling the myth that we often times fall prey to that we will never be good enough again because of what was done to us. If you are brave enough, set aside the pity and face your fear. Look at us as people just like you. See us for more than what was done to us. Look for the beauty that rises from the ashes you struggle to see past. The beauty is there. Sometimes you will have to look hard to find it, but will you see us as worth the effort?
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