Breaking chains

     This week has been very difficult for me.  Lies are losing their grip as truth becomes easier to see.  That sounds like a wonderful thing, and certainly it is good and necessary.  But it is hard and painful.  It has thrown my world out of balance, and I have struggled to breathe.  I have also learned some stuff that I want to share.

     I have come to see that abuse leaves the one who was hurt in chains.  These chains have been bound around my heart for many, many years.  I always assumed when the physical restraints were gone, I was free, but that hasn't happened.  When I was no longer physically bound but was given freedom, the chains that bound my heart remained...and in some circumstances, tightened.

I broke my silence, but then I was told...

--It wasn't that bad...and the chains tightened
--You are a danger to be around...and the chains tightened
--What you are saying, what you remember, it's not true...and the chains tightened
--Have you repented of what you did to cause it to happen...and the chains tightened
--It's in the past, it doesn't matter anymore...and the chains tightened

So back into silence I slipped for many more years than my silence lasted originally.

     I didn't know these chains were there until they started to break.  They held the pieces of my heart together in one place though.  That makes them feel safe and secure because it makes my heart feel safe and secure.  However, they were bound with lies, and with lies, they remain.  There is no security and safety in the chains around my heart despite what those same chains tell me.

But they have started to break...

--I believe you...the first chain shattered
--It wasn't your fault...another chain broken
--You did not deserve that...another chain gone
--God cares about you...another chain
--God cares about what happened...and another
--I am for you...a chain gone
--I am not leaving, I am here...a chain completely obliterated

     This week, more chains have broken away.  It happened really unexpectedly.  I was not prepared.  I saw more of the truth where his lies and the lies of others had reigned for far too long.  But as I have tried to find my footing in the aftermath, I have struggled.  I feel more broken than ever...and it hurts.
     As each chain breaks, the pieces of my heart that have been held in bondage fall piece by piece to the ground.  The chains gave me a sense of being held together because all the pieces were in one place.  Now, they are falling down as the chains are breaking.  I am seeing, for the first time, just how broken I've been as I see all the shattered parts of me falling out of the chains that once kept them captive long after I was physically free.

     The weight of that brokenness feels like too much.  I am terrified of the rest of the chains breaking, but too many have broken now to put them back together.  The rest will break.  The pieces will fall.  Still He says He will heal what has been broken.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. --Psalm 147:3

     The chains that bound my wounds are being broken by those around me now who are showing me people really can care and be kind.  Those chains are being broken as truth shines into the darkness of lies I have believed and exposes them for what they are.  When the chains that bind my wounds as a prisoner are gone, He will bind my wounds with His tenderness and bring healing and restoration of all that was lost.  

     My wounds, once bound by chains, He promises to bind up for the purpose of healing.  That is a promise I have to cling to with the feeble strength I have right now, for the chains breaking and my wounds being exposed as each piece of my heart falls freely to the ground is painful beyond words.  As I see, for the first time, what has been broken, I begin to feel, for the first time, the ache of what was lost, and that is simply terrifying.  Still I am here, though some days I don't want to be.  Be patient with me as these chains break and my heart falls apart.  I can't do this alone.