For days when the battle seems lost

     I have talked about this season in my life being a journey...a long, difficult walk out of darkness towards light, out of hurt and towards healing.  That description is certainly accurate, but this is more than just a journey, it is a battle.  In this battle, I am fighting for hope, fighting for truth, fighting for rest.  The battle is, at times, completely and utterly exhausting.  Some days I wake up still weary and worn from the battle the day before, and I can't see how I can keep going.  The battle rages long and hard, and I feel like I'm losing.

     Recently, the battle got fierce.  I was in a store to pick up a couple of things when something triggered a flood of memories and panic began to take over.  I was paralyzed yet desperate to leave the aisle I was stuck in.  The battle, in that moment, raged hard.  The memories came so quickly and unexpectedly.  They were like a tidal wave over me.  One moment I was standing on solid ground and the next I was completely under water.
     I managed to get out of the store okay and got home.  That evening, when the house was quiet and I was alone with my thoughts, the memories just kept flooding my mind, and nothing I did would make them go away.  I have felt the suffocating effects of being stuck under water ever since until the water left my eyes in a wave of tears I wish I could get back because crying is something I hate and feel ashamed of.  The tears rid my lungs of the water I was drowning on until I found my way back to numb and stable.  In the drowning, I was certain I was losing the battle.  Hope was inconceivable, truth so tangled in the lies I couldn't find it, rest just a dream I kept wishing I could have.
     I don't remember why, but I went to a familiar passage of Scripture as the drowning turned to tears and tears washed me back into numb.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you."  Isaiah 43:2

     All over Scripture, trials are spoken of in terms of "when" rather than "if." They are coming. Struggles and suffering and pain are part of life on this side of heaven. The types of trials and suffering and struggles are different for everyone, but everyone faces them. This battle of a journey is one of mine.
     The struggles and suffering of life are likened to water and fire in many parts of Scripture including in this verse. The water and fire are upon me, but I am not alone. God promises that I will not be overwhelmed or consumed. I can tell you, it doesn't feel like that often. This journey feels like a never ending cycle of feeling that turns into falling that lands me back into numb until I feel something again to start the cycle over. In the feeling and falling, I feel very overwhelmed and consumed. He promises I won't be though. My feelings can lie to me, and the truth is, I will not be utterly consumed or overwhelmed. When I don't feel that way, I have to take Him at His Word. I don't have that down, but He is teaching me, slowly but surely.
     The nerd in me came out again as I pondered this truth trying to fight the lie that I can't keep going and giving up is the only way to not be consumed and overwhelmed. I looked up "overwhelm" in Strong's concordance. That word also means "to conquer." What a promise! The water and fire will not conquer me, no matter what my feelings say. God is with me in the water and the fire, and He will not allow them to conquer me regardless of how far under I go or how hot the flames feel. Rather...

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors 
through Him who loved us."  Romans 8:37

     Not only will God not allow the water and fire of struggles and suffering to conquer me, He has already conquered them for me. He says I am more than a conqueror through Christ who conquered it all on the cross because He knew I could not conquer any of it on my own.

     I said one part of this battle is fighting for truth. The lie I believe is that I am consumed and overwhelmed to the point of no return, that I am completely and utterly overtaken and left without hope. While I may not feel much like a conqueror when I feel like the battle is lost, the God of truth says He has already conquered the battle I think I'm losing for me. The truth is that I will not be conquered, for Christ has conquered for me that which I could not conquer myself.

Remember, daughters of the King, He has conquered the 

battle you feel like you are losing right now. You feel like the 

fight is too much, the battle too far gone for you to be victorious, 

but God says you will not be conquered, for He has already 

conquered it. You are more than a conqueror through the

One Who has conquered every battle on your behalf.