When I decided to start a blog, part of the reason was to maybe let even one person who is living in the aftermath of sexual abuse know that she is not alone, someone else really does understand. I remember how much it meant to me when I finally realized I really wasn't the only one. I knew that, statistically speaking, there were others out there, but when it became real and I had a real person to attach to the statistics I was part of, my heart broke for the person who understood but I found great encouragement and strength knowing I really wasn't alone...I really wasn't crazy in my struggles or doomed for the future because of my past. I want others to know that they are not alone. I want to encourage, but I want to be honest too.
I find it easy to wrap up my writing in a pretty bow, though, which makes it very easy for someone who does not know me or where I am in my journey to get the idea that I am struggling a lot less than I really am. It is easy to read what I have written and leave with the idea that I realize something once, and instantly I am changed because of it and better off than I was before. Even writing anonymously, I am tempted to hide just how ugly and broken and messy and hard this journey is.
While there are certainly things I would never share publicly (anonymous or not some things just don't need to be shared), I want others to see the struggle between what I know to be true and how I feel. I want others to see the struggle between my past and my present and my future. I want others to see the struggle between what I know God says about me and Him and what I think about me and Him. I want others to see God work in the struggle, and one day I hope others will have this blog to read through and see how God relieves the struggle. I want His healing and hope to be seen in the struggle and how it plays out.
I live every day with a tension about this journey. Every step I'm supposed to take feels like the opposite of what my entire mind and body are screaming at me. Everything seems backwards. I want to move forward, but to do that, I have to turn around and walk through my past. I want to find healing, but to step towards healing means walking through all the hurt first. I want to get to light, but I must first tread through the darkness to get there. I keep hearing people say I am strong and courageous, yet with every step I feel smaller and more broken and fear paralyzes me. Every step in front of me seems harder than the one before. Every fiber of my being screams at me to stop, that this is not right, that it should not hurt this much or be this hard. I struggle between what I want this journey to be and what it really is.
I wrote this poem in pieces over many months time. With each section I finished, I knew it wasn't done. It just didn't feel complete. The sections aren't even in the order I wrote them, but they are the way they should be. I want you to know, if you are living in the same aftermath as I am, the struggle is normal. The tension is just there. I don't know how to make it go away. You are not alone, and you are not crazy. I do believe that it will get better. I'm not exactly sure how that plays out and often times feel like I'm just being tossed around on a crazy ride with no rhyme or reason. Even in that, I know God is bigger than the sin done against me and against you. Some days that truth brings comfort and other days that is just knowledge in my head that seems to mean nothing even though I know it should mean everything. That is part of the struggle too. I wish there could be more encouragement in this. I only hope that you find encouragement in reading about the struggle that wages war inside me daily. I hope it is encouraging to know you are not the only one who feels it.
Paradox
I took off running
I won't turn around
I keep on searching
Looking for safe ground
But no matter where I go
And no matter how fast
I just can't escape
The grip of my past
I'm weak and exhausted
But keep running somehow
Until a gentle hand stops me
Says let me walk with you now
I want to keep going
But I'm stopped in my tracks
If I want to move forward
I will have to look back
I'm curled on the sofa
I'm trembling with fear
Trying to hide under blankets
Even so I am still here
They say I am brave
They tell me I'm strong
But they don't know me
I know they are wrong
They've said it takes courage
For my story to be shared
If this is courage
Why am I so scared
I turn my head
So no one can see
The hot bitter tears
Rolling down my cheeks
They burn like fire
As they fall to the ground
My heart breaking
Without making a sound
Each tear that falls
Brings life to my wounds
Once hidden in darkness
Now in the light shown
The pain seems too much
Deep anguish prevails
As I open my mouth
To speak the truth of my tales
Before it gets better
I'm told it gets worse
Because this road to healing
Has been paved with hurt
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