A love deeper than my shame

     I have believed a lot of lies.  I imagine that is common when a person is taken advantage of in such horrific ways as a child.  I was taught lies as truth growing up, and the person who was teaching me had the power to inflict pain beyond comprehension not just on my body but also on my soul.

His anger...my fault for doing all I could think of to survive.
His hatred...that is love.
My fear...that means I love him back.
His filth...it's mine now.
His shame...that's mine too.
His sin...I caused him to do it.
Respect and honor...he's earned it, I have none.
Value...he says I'm valuable to him by forcefully taking what is not his.
Worth...I'm only worth the body he can take from me, no need for me to be willing either.

     All lies.  I hold on to them all still.  There is some comfort in what is familiar, and they are familiar to me.  They're all I've known.  The freedom truth is said to bring is terrifying.  I cannot even imagine it.  I love the idea of freedom, but the newness of it brings fear that keeps me holding on to the lies I know all too well.  There are some lies that I can understand in my head are false, but they still have a tight grip on my heart.  Others I can't see as a lie at all (though I've been told they are).
     All these lies have shaped how I think God sees me and how I think He cares for me.  There is also a sense that the girl who lived through those years is not the same person I am now.  There is something that disconnects me from my past.  I know it is mine.  I know it is real.  I know it effects me greatly.  But it is somehow still a separate entity, and I can't seem to reconcile my present and my past.  I find it difficult to believe that how God sees me and cares for me now is no different than how He has always seen me and cared for me.  I feel like my past and present are separate, but God is not which causes an even deeper struggle to ensue.  I'm not sure yet how that will turn out.

     I was challenged earlier today (by someone who has been faithfully walking with me on this journey in all the ups and downs) to be suspect at my own thoughts of how God sees me and to compare them to what God actually says about how He sees me in Scripture.  I've been contemplating much of what she spoke to me today since I parted company with her and got on with my day.  As the day turned to evening and I had some quiet moments alone, I started searching the Scriptures.  Some of the passages were ones I had been directed to in my earlier conversation, others were passages that I am familiar with but wanted to look at again.  There are still many passages I am thinking over and questions I am wanting answers to, but through my searching this afternoon, God has shown me more of His love.  And I am in awe.

     One of the deepest, most painful, suffocating feelings I struggle with revolves around the lie that my abusers shame is my own.  I know in my head that the shame I carry heavy on my back is not really mine to bear.  I know that the shame attached to me was bound to me by the chains of another.  It reaches deep though, so deep I can't see the end of it.  The shame I carry with me is one of, if not the most, painful feeling I know.  All the darkness I can't bring into the light with words of truth yet (and there is so much still), I can't speak because of the shame that locks my lips and freezes my voice.  I can't imagine how dirty I am inside, and it makes me want to climb out of my own skin only I know that wouldn't take away the shame I have wrapped around every part of me.  Then I read this passage:

No creature is hidden from His sight, but all are naked and exposed

to the eyes of Him to Whom we must give account.  (Hebrews 4:13)

     I was initially looking at the verses that follow this particular passage, but my eyes caught a glimpse of this verse which I have read many times over.  As I read it, I was hit with the reality that all my shame is seen by God.  I may be able to walk around and hide it from others who walk this earth with me and around me, but I cannot hide my shame from the One who created me.  My shame is what keeps me from being honest and exposed to the main person God has placed in my life to help me face my past and work through the mess.  She knows it's there.  She can see it all over my face, but there is still much she doesn't know because my shame keeps me from speaking the truth to her at times.  She patiently waits for God to work and free me to speak it in time, but my shame keeps parts of me hidden from her.  The parts hidden from her and from everyone else who knows me are not hidden from God though.  I am exposed for all the lies I can't let go of, all the shame that keeps me in the darkness because the light is so painful.  But there is something more...

But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed 

you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name,

you are Mine...Because you are precious in My eyes, and honored, and I love you, 

I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."  (Isaiah 43:1,4)

     While this was spoken directly to Israel, this prophecy spoke even beyond that to Christ giving His life in exchange for mine, for yours, for all who call Him "Lord" and "Abba Father."  God...the One from Whom I cannot hide my shame no matter how hard I try...calls me His own.  He calls me precious, honored, loved.  He gave His Son's life in exchange for mine.  He sees the depths of my shame, and yet His love goes deeper still.  My shame goes so deep I cannot see the bottom of it, but His love for me goes deeper still.  Such a love leaves me speechless.  It is a truth bigger than my mind can wrap itself around.  But it is a truth that lends a tiny ray of light as I walk through the dark valley of healing from a past that has shattered me.  As the darkness brings to mind questions I feel are too hard to ask God and not worth His time, His love goes deeper than my shame, and I can appeal to this love as I cry out in the darkness.  I can struggle along the twists and turns, bumps and holes in the road knowing His love goes deeper than my shame, and that is a depth I cannot exhaust. 

     Will I never falter in knowing this truth?  Probably not.  Does it take away the shame I carry with me?  No.  That is still there, but knowing His love goes deeper than my shame, I trust that He will take that shame away little by little.  I trust that the depths of His love can and will overtake the shame I have clinging to my soul.  I can cling to His love for me as it washes wounds that are old yet still fresh and painful.  When He doesn't work as quickly as I want, I can see the depths of His love and know He is working in the time that is best for me.  As I look to His love for me and cannot see the ends of it, I can take questions to Him that pour from a heart raw with pain and trust that He will listen and not condemn me.  

     I can write all this now, and it may seem like I have a firm grasp on this.  I don't.  I see this, and I take comfort in this truth.  But learning how to live this out and learning to accept His love, as deep as it is, will be part of this journey.  There will be times I will go to Him hurting, ashamed, doubting, and terrified, but I will have to just remind myself His love goes deeper than my shame.  I will have to take Him at His word even when it doesn't feel true, because my feelings can lie to me.  Those times I will have to step out in faith and just go to Him.  In time, He will teach me how to live such an incredible and enormous truth.  In time, He will show me His love gently healing wounds I have a hard time believing will ever heal.  In time, He will anchor me in His love deeply and firmly.  For now, I just have to read His words and tell myself His love goes deeper than my shame.  For now, I lay stiffly on that truth knowing in time I will slowly relax and find rest in that truth.

     If you are reading this and you know the shame of which I write, know that His love goes deeper than your shame too.  Think on that for a moment and let that depth sink in.  That is a depth that words cannot describe.  He sees your shame, and He still calls you precious, honored, loved.  Go to Him and cling to that truth as you pour out your questions and your hurts one by one.  Lay stiffly on that truth and trust that He will slowly bring you to sweet rest on that truth in time.  Know that I am praying for you also.  I hate you know such deep shame, but I rejoice that His love goes deeper still.

My dear sisters, He sees your shame and yet loves you all the more.  No matter what you have been told, HE calls you precious...HE calls you honored...HE calls you loved.  And His love goes deeper than your shame.