For days when breathing takes work

     There are days on this journey when the bumps in the road take my breath away.  I will be going along and doing okay, feeling what I call normal, and then the anxiety grips me out of nowhere as I stumble over the rocks I didn't see on the path in front of me.  I feel the breath being sucked out of my lungs.  I breathe in...I breath out.  A few second later, I remember I never took a breath in again.  I sharply breath in the air though it doesn't seem to fill my lungs.  I have to actively remind myself to take the next breath.  When I forget to breath in, I don't feel that suffocating feeling you get when you hold your breath for too long.  I feel nothing, then I simply remember I did not breathe; even then, I only feel the air racing into my lungs though they never seem to take enough in.  My lungs never feel empty...I just don't feel the lack of air.  My lungs never feel full...I just can't seem to feel satisfied with the air I have.  Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in again...breathe out...I keep reminding myself to breathe.  On these days, breathing seems voluntary.  Breathing takes physical work...and it's exhausting.
     Today I found myself struggling to breathe.  I had been fine in the morning, but as the day progressed, I began to stumble.  I'm not really sure what rock I stumbled on, but my feet couldn't seem to find the ground anymore.  I forgot to breathe.  Anxiety began to close in as air was pushed out.  I had to tell myself "breathe...breathe...breathe" just to stay alive.  My mind began to race, and I couldn't complete a single thought before more words and more panic started a new one.  As I tried to slow down to breathe, my mind kept moving faster until I couldn't keep up.  Just...breathe...
     I knew there had to be help somewhere in my Bible, somewhere among the words God has spoken to my soul.  But when my mind is racing and all my energy is put into breathing, the Bible seems awfully big and the fresh air I need seems like a needle in a haystack among the pages.  I pulled out my kindle.  I didn't know what I was looking for, but I knew somewhere in the pages of Scripture was a breath for me.  I used the search function, and I started looking for air.  And God, ever faithful, showered me with His breath to fill my lungs and settle my soul.

"The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is compassionate.
The Lord guards the inexperienced;
I was helpless, and He saved me.
Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
For You, Lord, rescued me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living."  Psalm 116:5-9

     The whole of psalm 116 ministered deeply to my suffocating soul.  Tucked away in this psalm of praise for God who has delivered His child is a reminder.  The psalmist  recounts the Lord's faithfulness to him then speaks to his own soul, "Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."  And with the psalmist I say "For You, Lord, rescued me from death...my feet from stumbling."  I remember God's faithfulness.  Every step of this journey, I remember God has gone with me and before me.  At every stumbling, He has grounded my feet once more on Him, my Rock.  He has not condemned me for faltering or sent swift judgement on me for falling down at a sharp twist in the path that caught me off guard.  He has indeed been gracious and compassionate as the psalmist points out.
     I begin to remember how God has been good to me.

• He has called me "daughter"
• He has been faithful
• He has stayed with me
• He has steadied my feet 
• He has calmed my mind
• He has held my heart
• He has covered me in His healing balm one wound at a time
• He has loved me perfectly

     

     And slowly, I remember to breathe again.  My mind settles.  My thoughts slow down, so I can manage them one by one.  My lungs feel fuller.  My heart feels His peace creep in and stay.  I remember He cares for me.  I remember He is faithful even when I stumble, even when I forget to breathe.  I forget to remember, and yet, I still breathe.  Little by little, I work less and less to breathe as my body takes over what it was made to do on its own without thought.  Anxiety falls away slowly as air flows around me once more.  He fills my lungs with the air of His promises, and breathing is easy again.  And I find joy in every breath I take without giving up because I know that is one more step I've taken towards a healing I've been promised though I can't see it from my spot on the road.  

"Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

     

Breathe in {He is with me}...

Breathe out {He will never leave me}...

Breathe in {He is faithful}...

Breathe out {He loves me perfectly}...

Breathe in {He goes before me}...

Breathe out {He knows where He is leading me}...

Breathe in {He leads me gently}...

Breathe out {He leads me to His healing}