During times where the ground seems too unstable to plant my feet upon, I find it easy to want to give up and walk away. I was once again contemplating giving up just a few days ago. It was not the first time I have thought about just walking away from it all and trying to pretend again that nothing ever happened, to put on my brave face that says "I'm fine" when really I'm the farthest place from fine one can be, to try to bury it all once more. I'm pretty sure it won't be the last time if I'm being completely honest. But, not too many months ago, God showed me how a well known story in the Old Testament applied deeply and profoundly to the journey I am walking. Right now, I need to remember these truths, so I am sharing them with you as I remind myself. It will be a bit lengthy, but it will be worth it. Grab a cup of coffee or tea, cozy yourself in your favorite spot, and I pray you will be encouraged as you read.
"God spoke to Moses and said to him, “I am the Lord. I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty, but by my name the Lord I did not make myself known to them. I also established my covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, the land in which they lived as sojourners. Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the people of Israel whom the Egyptians hold as slaves, and I have remembered my covenant. Say therefore to the people of Israel, ‘I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from slavery to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great acts of judgment. I will take you to be my people, and I will be your God, and you shall know that I am the Lord your God, who has brought you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians. I will bring you into the land that I swore to give to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. I will give it to you for a possession. I am the Lord.’” Moses spoke thus to the people of Israel, but they did not listen to Moses, because of their broken spirit and harsh slavery." Exodus 6:2-9
That passage is one I read during my family's devotion time one afternoon a few months back. As I read, I was really struck by how the Israelites responded to these incredible promises God was giving them through Moses. They didn't even listen to him because of "their broken spirit and harsh slavery." I had never noticed those little words before in the many times I've read through the book of Exodus, but it really resonated with me. Later that day, I looked up the meaning of those words and saw that "broken spirit" can be translated "anguish". They were in such anguish of spirit because of the oppressive conditions they had been living under for so long that the precious hope they were being given wasn't even something they could grab hold of. Oh how I understand that feeling.
Last year I found myself in a place where, for the first time in my entire life, someone told me that God was for me and hope was held out in front of me in caring, open hands just waiting for me to grab hold of it, but I was just like the Israelites. I was finally being told that God brings healing. Someone was giving me the promises of God, and I did not believe it at all. Not only did I not believe it, I simply couldn't. I just didn't know how. Even as I moved forward towards the help being offered, I couldn't grasp the concept of hope. I had resigned myself to the way things were so many years ago that believing there was hope for things to get better, for healing to be mine, was more than my finite mind could even begin to understand. As I have continued to walk this path to healing, taking small steps in the right direction one day at a time, hope is still something I find so hard to grasp. So often even a year later, I still react like the Israelites. I still doubt that His promises are real and that He says them to me.
As I pondered the Scriptures I had read and the rest of the story of the Exodus, I thought about how the story continues. God was still faithful! He didn't condemn the Israelites because of their faltering faith and doubt. No. In the middle of their doubt and sufferings, He had compassion on them. He still showed Himself mighty and brought about the freedom and redemption He had promised but they couldn't grasp the hope for. What an incredible and loving God.
Then as He began to work, their faith was strengthened and their doubt gave way to trust and belief. By the time He told them to kill a lamb and put the blood on the doorposts and gave them all the directions for the Passover meal, they didn't question Him. They obeyed and trusted and believed that He would spare their firstborn. And He did. He told them to plunder the Egyptians by just asking for their valuables. That is ridiculous to think people would just hand over their most valuable possessions without a fight, but Israel believed God and did what He said. They were given their loot and they left Egypt behind. By the time they got to the Red Sea, they had such a strong faith. They trusted Him enough to walk through the Sea on dry land with enormous walls of water on either side. They believed He would hold the water until they got to the other side safely. And He once again proved himself faithful, holding back the water until they were all safely across.
The children of Israel started in such a broken place that they couldn't even believe the hope God was giving them, but God was still faithful in the midst of their doubt to work to bring about their freedom and redemption just as He promised. In the process, their faith was strengthened tremendously. I also started in such a broken place that when hope was offered, I didn't know how to accept it. I do feel like I have a better grasp on the hope I have in Christ now than I did even a month ago, but so often it still seems like water that I grab for only to have it fall through my fingers leaving my hands empty once more. But in those moments when hope falls through my fingers, I can remember that God is still faithful. When hope is something I can't grasp, I can remember that He is faithful and cling to that instead until He strengthens my faith to the point where hope is something I can cling to.
It's very much an up and down dance too. One day I'll have a firm grip on hope and believe with everything in me that things will get better, that God will bring healing to my heart and soul one day, and I'll feel like I can keep pressing on and fighting through all the junk. I will take each step on this path in front of me with confidence that it will all be worth it. Then the next day (sometimes the next second even), something flips a switch in me, and I spiral into a storm of panic and anxiety and fear. I can't even imagine that hope exists at all. I want to give up and find safety in the only thing I feel can be safe...my own walls that I have spent decades building. God seems far away, and I feel like I'm falling apart. That is when I can remember God is faithful even while I'm falling to pieces. I can't seem to find hope then, but I can remember His faithfulness. His faithfulness does not rely on the strength of my faith but on the character of my God. His faithfulness remains steadfast even as I am tossed about on the winds of doubt.
I kept pondering the story of the Exodus though, and God, ever faithful, kept showing me more. I started to think about the Israelites in the wilderness. They had worshiped and rejoiced as God crashed the waters of the Red Sea on the Egyptians, and they were finally free. But they lost sight of His promises again so quickly. They saw miracles that we can't even begin to fathom because God doesn't typically perform those types of miracles at this point. Even so, it didn't take long for them to lose hold of hope once again. They were so close to the promised land, but they couldn't see it. The wilderness was hard. They doubted. They complained. They hardened their hearts over and over. They even wanted to go back to the slavery and oppression they had been freed from for the sake of a meal because they lost hope that God could give them all the food they needed.
When I thought about their desire to go back to the bondage they had wanted out of so badly, I thought about how often I think it would be better to go back to being completely numb and pretending that nothing ever happened. When this journey feels too hard, I think it would be better to go back to the very place I wanted out of for so long. I am just like the Israelites in so many ways. I know that going back isn't going to be better, but I guess I never realized that the way out would be so hard. I get to the point where I feel so overwhelmed I can't see past the moment I'm in. His promises for healing and redemption once again seem too far out of reach. Going back seems the best choice in the moment, and it seems like the only way to find the relief I am desperate for.
But God wouldn't let the Israelites go back because He knew it wasn't best. He knew that being tested in the wilderness was what they needed. He still provided for their every need even when they didn't believe He would, and they complained relentlessly about the journey He was taking them on. He was faithful where they fell short. They eventually harden their hearts so much that God wouldn't let them into the promised land, but He showed His promises fulfilled to their children instead. They were so close the promised land, but they wandered for 40 long years. I thought of how in the New Testament we are told that the stories of old are there for us to learn from. I thought of the verses in Hebrews that say "Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion." I don't want to be like the Israelites who never saw the promised land because of the hardness of their hearts. I don't want to give up when I'm so close simply because I can't see past the step in front of me and end up having to wander on this journey so much longer than I have to.
I also thought about the promised land itself. The promised land was so much more than they could have ever dreamed of. The grapes that the spies found when checking out the land were so big it took two grown men to carry them. I think of the "other side" of this as my promised land, the destination of this journey to healing, whatever that may be and however that may look. Any idea I can dream up in my mind of what that will be like, the freedom I could experience, the feelings I won't have to carry around anymore, it's even better than that. I can't comprehend the promised land. I just can't. I've lived with all the hurts and shame and fear and all the awfulness of it that I can't find a word for, for so long that I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to have those chains broken and to finally be freed from it. Whatever idea of it I can get into my head (which most of the time I really can't get an idea of that into my head at all), the actual promised land will be even bigger and better and freeing than that. But not being able to have a vision of what the promised land will be like is part of what makes hope hard to hold on to.
When I'm in the wilderness (and this journey, this path to healing is the wilderness), and I want to turn back (which happens a lot more than I'd like to admit), I can go back and remember that He is still faithful when I can't hold on to the hope He promises me. I can remember His faithfulness to Israel even in the hardness of their heart. I can remember their hardness of heart and plead with God to remove any hardness I may be harboring, so I can keep walking towards the promised land. When I want to go back to my Egypt and just feel nothing again and pretend nothing happened again, I can remember I'm closer to the promised land than I think, that the wilderness really is better than Egypt and that God is allowing what is best for me. I can cling to His faithfulness and keep pressing on in the difficult wilderness.
What's even better is He isn't making me do it alone. He is always with me as He was always with the Israelites, and He's given me people on this earth to walk through the wilderness with me. He has even been kind enough to put people with similar stories in my life to show me I'm not alone even in the depths of the pain I am left with. I'm just in awe of His kindness to me even when I doubt and when I question Him more than trust Him. (*If you think you are alone, you are not! I am praying for you even if I don't know you, and I will be here for you. Feel free to contact me via Facebook using the link on the side of the page. I don't want you to think you must wander through the wilderness on your own. I would be honored to wander with you.*)
Just the night before He showed me all this, I was in a really bad place. Going back, giving up and walking away seemed easier, and easier always seems best in our human eyes. Then He met me right where I was. He reminded me not to harden my heart to Him and the plan He is working out in my life for my good and His glory. He reminded me to always go back to His faithfulness when I can't seem to grab hold of His hope. He understands that hope is hard sometimes. He gives me help even when I can't find hope.
That day, the story of the Exodus became so precious to me. I saw it as a road map for my own exodus. It was like a gentle admonishment from God to not harden my heart, to not shut down again, to press on in the wilderness that won't last forever, to remember He will provide even in the wilderness. Then He also showed me His faithfulness when I doubt and hope is too far away. Sometimes it feels like the longer I walk this path, the deeper I go into the darkness, the more I face the truth of my past, the more I want to harden my heart, to shut down and go back to pretending it never happened (my Egypt). God in His kindness used this family devotion to admonish me not to do that and to give me a rock I can cling to when I can't seem to hold on to the hope of the promised land.
I'm in the middle of my own exodus. Maybe you are too. We have an advantage the children of Israel didn't have though. We have the example of the children of Israel to remind us to remember who God is, to heed His voice and not harden our hearts and just shut down again. We have evidence of His faithfulness in the middle of their doubt to remind us He is faithful in the middle of our doubt too. Right now, Egypt seems like a great place to go. The wilderness I'm muddling through seems too much to bear. The promised land seems more like a dream than a reality I will reach one day. If you are walking this path, I know you know the times I'm speaking of. Times like this, when our feet can't find the ground, we need to remember we are in the middle of our own exodus story, and the same God that brought freedom and redemption to the doubting Israelites leading them every step of the way in the wilderness is leading the way for us in our wilderness and will bring about our freedom and our redemption just as surely as He did for them. As I was reminded just the other day...keep at it; Jesus is worth it.
Last year I found myself in a place where, for the first time in my entire life, someone told me that God was for me and hope was held out in front of me in caring, open hands just waiting for me to grab hold of it, but I was just like the Israelites. I was finally being told that God brings healing. Someone was giving me the promises of God, and I did not believe it at all. Not only did I not believe it, I simply couldn't. I just didn't know how. Even as I moved forward towards the help being offered, I couldn't grasp the concept of hope. I had resigned myself to the way things were so many years ago that believing there was hope for things to get better, for healing to be mine, was more than my finite mind could even begin to understand. As I have continued to walk this path to healing, taking small steps in the right direction one day at a time, hope is still something I find so hard to grasp. So often even a year later, I still react like the Israelites. I still doubt that His promises are real and that He says them to me.
As I pondered the Scriptures I had read and the rest of the story of the Exodus, I thought about how the story continues. God was still faithful! He didn't condemn the Israelites because of their faltering faith and doubt. No. In the middle of their doubt and sufferings, He had compassion on them. He still showed Himself mighty and brought about the freedom and redemption He had promised but they couldn't grasp the hope for. What an incredible and loving God.
Then as He began to work, their faith was strengthened and their doubt gave way to trust and belief. By the time He told them to kill a lamb and put the blood on the doorposts and gave them all the directions for the Passover meal, they didn't question Him. They obeyed and trusted and believed that He would spare their firstborn. And He did. He told them to plunder the Egyptians by just asking for their valuables. That is ridiculous to think people would just hand over their most valuable possessions without a fight, but Israel believed God and did what He said. They were given their loot and they left Egypt behind. By the time they got to the Red Sea, they had such a strong faith. They trusted Him enough to walk through the Sea on dry land with enormous walls of water on either side. They believed He would hold the water until they got to the other side safely. And He once again proved himself faithful, holding back the water until they were all safely across.
The children of Israel started in such a broken place that they couldn't even believe the hope God was giving them, but God was still faithful in the midst of their doubt to work to bring about their freedom and redemption just as He promised. In the process, their faith was strengthened tremendously. I also started in such a broken place that when hope was offered, I didn't know how to accept it. I do feel like I have a better grasp on the hope I have in Christ now than I did even a month ago, but so often it still seems like water that I grab for only to have it fall through my fingers leaving my hands empty once more. But in those moments when hope falls through my fingers, I can remember that God is still faithful. When hope is something I can't grasp, I can remember that He is faithful and cling to that instead until He strengthens my faith to the point where hope is something I can cling to.
It's very much an up and down dance too. One day I'll have a firm grip on hope and believe with everything in me that things will get better, that God will bring healing to my heart and soul one day, and I'll feel like I can keep pressing on and fighting through all the junk. I will take each step on this path in front of me with confidence that it will all be worth it. Then the next day (sometimes the next second even), something flips a switch in me, and I spiral into a storm of panic and anxiety and fear. I can't even imagine that hope exists at all. I want to give up and find safety in the only thing I feel can be safe...my own walls that I have spent decades building. God seems far away, and I feel like I'm falling apart. That is when I can remember God is faithful even while I'm falling to pieces. I can't seem to find hope then, but I can remember His faithfulness. His faithfulness does not rely on the strength of my faith but on the character of my God. His faithfulness remains steadfast even as I am tossed about on the winds of doubt.
I kept pondering the story of the Exodus though, and God, ever faithful, kept showing me more. I started to think about the Israelites in the wilderness. They had worshiped and rejoiced as God crashed the waters of the Red Sea on the Egyptians, and they were finally free. But they lost sight of His promises again so quickly. They saw miracles that we can't even begin to fathom because God doesn't typically perform those types of miracles at this point. Even so, it didn't take long for them to lose hold of hope once again. They were so close to the promised land, but they couldn't see it. The wilderness was hard. They doubted. They complained. They hardened their hearts over and over. They even wanted to go back to the slavery and oppression they had been freed from for the sake of a meal because they lost hope that God could give them all the food they needed.
When I thought about their desire to go back to the bondage they had wanted out of so badly, I thought about how often I think it would be better to go back to being completely numb and pretending that nothing ever happened. When this journey feels too hard, I think it would be better to go back to the very place I wanted out of for so long. I am just like the Israelites in so many ways. I know that going back isn't going to be better, but I guess I never realized that the way out would be so hard. I get to the point where I feel so overwhelmed I can't see past the moment I'm in. His promises for healing and redemption once again seem too far out of reach. Going back seems the best choice in the moment, and it seems like the only way to find the relief I am desperate for.
But God wouldn't let the Israelites go back because He knew it wasn't best. He knew that being tested in the wilderness was what they needed. He still provided for their every need even when they didn't believe He would, and they complained relentlessly about the journey He was taking them on. He was faithful where they fell short. They eventually harden their hearts so much that God wouldn't let them into the promised land, but He showed His promises fulfilled to their children instead. They were so close the promised land, but they wandered for 40 long years. I thought of how in the New Testament we are told that the stories of old are there for us to learn from. I thought of the verses in Hebrews that say "Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion." I don't want to be like the Israelites who never saw the promised land because of the hardness of their hearts. I don't want to give up when I'm so close simply because I can't see past the step in front of me and end up having to wander on this journey so much longer than I have to.
I also thought about the promised land itself. The promised land was so much more than they could have ever dreamed of. The grapes that the spies found when checking out the land were so big it took two grown men to carry them. I think of the "other side" of this as my promised land, the destination of this journey to healing, whatever that may be and however that may look. Any idea I can dream up in my mind of what that will be like, the freedom I could experience, the feelings I won't have to carry around anymore, it's even better than that. I can't comprehend the promised land. I just can't. I've lived with all the hurts and shame and fear and all the awfulness of it that I can't find a word for, for so long that I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to have those chains broken and to finally be freed from it. Whatever idea of it I can get into my head (which most of the time I really can't get an idea of that into my head at all), the actual promised land will be even bigger and better and freeing than that. But not being able to have a vision of what the promised land will be like is part of what makes hope hard to hold on to.
When I'm in the wilderness (and this journey, this path to healing is the wilderness), and I want to turn back (which happens a lot more than I'd like to admit), I can go back and remember that He is still faithful when I can't hold on to the hope He promises me. I can remember His faithfulness to Israel even in the hardness of their heart. I can remember their hardness of heart and plead with God to remove any hardness I may be harboring, so I can keep walking towards the promised land. When I want to go back to my Egypt and just feel nothing again and pretend nothing happened again, I can remember I'm closer to the promised land than I think, that the wilderness really is better than Egypt and that God is allowing what is best for me. I can cling to His faithfulness and keep pressing on in the difficult wilderness.
What's even better is He isn't making me do it alone. He is always with me as He was always with the Israelites, and He's given me people on this earth to walk through the wilderness with me. He has even been kind enough to put people with similar stories in my life to show me I'm not alone even in the depths of the pain I am left with. I'm just in awe of His kindness to me even when I doubt and when I question Him more than trust Him. (*If you think you are alone, you are not! I am praying for you even if I don't know you, and I will be here for you. Feel free to contact me via Facebook using the link on the side of the page. I don't want you to think you must wander through the wilderness on your own. I would be honored to wander with you.*)
Just the night before He showed me all this, I was in a really bad place. Going back, giving up and walking away seemed easier, and easier always seems best in our human eyes. Then He met me right where I was. He reminded me not to harden my heart to Him and the plan He is working out in my life for my good and His glory. He reminded me to always go back to His faithfulness when I can't seem to grab hold of His hope. He understands that hope is hard sometimes. He gives me help even when I can't find hope.
That day, the story of the Exodus became so precious to me. I saw it as a road map for my own exodus. It was like a gentle admonishment from God to not harden my heart, to not shut down again, to press on in the wilderness that won't last forever, to remember He will provide even in the wilderness. Then He also showed me His faithfulness when I doubt and hope is too far away. Sometimes it feels like the longer I walk this path, the deeper I go into the darkness, the more I face the truth of my past, the more I want to harden my heart, to shut down and go back to pretending it never happened (my Egypt). God in His kindness used this family devotion to admonish me not to do that and to give me a rock I can cling to when I can't seem to hold on to the hope of the promised land.
I'm in the middle of my own exodus. Maybe you are too. We have an advantage the children of Israel didn't have though. We have the example of the children of Israel to remind us to remember who God is, to heed His voice and not harden our hearts and just shut down again. We have evidence of His faithfulness in the middle of their doubt to remind us He is faithful in the middle of our doubt too. Right now, Egypt seems like a great place to go. The wilderness I'm muddling through seems too much to bear. The promised land seems more like a dream than a reality I will reach one day. If you are walking this path, I know you know the times I'm speaking of. Times like this, when our feet can't find the ground, we need to remember we are in the middle of our own exodus story, and the same God that brought freedom and redemption to the doubting Israelites leading them every step of the way in the wilderness is leading the way for us in our wilderness and will bring about our freedom and our redemption just as surely as He did for them. As I was reminded just the other day...keep at it; Jesus is worth it.
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