When all I can say is nothing

     In keeping with the concept of "voice," I want to make one more point.  It is a point that I think is easily overlooked.  I want to talk about the times I try to speak and all that comes out is silence.
     There are times, many times, when all the feelings I shut deep inside begin to come to the surface.  While feelings are a normal part of life, I grew up without them.  I never learned what my feelings were, how to deal with them in appropriate, good, healthy ways, because feeling the emotions I felt would have killed me.  I shut them down deep inside where even I can't go, so I could be numb and survive.  Now, as an adult, I have a terribly warped view of emotions.  I don't like them.  I don't understand them.  I panic at the first touch of them (and when I say panic, I mean I get sick with panic).  When I feel emotions, I often do not know what they are called or how to describe them.  It makes me feel incredibly stupid.  Very often, my emotions are accompanied by various physical feelings that I can't describe which adds to my panic.  Feeling my feelings takes away my voice.
     Quite frequently, when I begin to feel some type of emotion, I cannot put into words what is happening in my body and my mind.  I want to get it all out.  The intensity alone of what I can feel leaves me paralyzed with fear.  In those times, I am silent.  But in the current days of constant noise with emails and notifications ringing in our ears without pause, we have forgotten how to be silent.
     When I can say nothing at all, when silence is all I have to offer as I sit paralyzed by the storm of feelings tormenting my body and mind, when my voice cracks under the weight of what I don't understand, I am still speaking, but it will take more effort for you to hear.  Silence makes us uncomfortable.  We want to fill the air even if it's only with the sound of nervous ramblings trying to ease the tension the quiet creates.  I can tell you, as one among the "voiceless," that I need you to hear my silence.  When my voice fails me, please do not rush to find comfort in the sound of your own voice.  When my voice fails me, listen to my silence with patience and understanding.  In my silence, I am speaking, and what I am saying is of utmost importance.  When I know you will listen to my silence, I will know you will also listen to my voice when words find my tongue as God frees me bit by bit to speak the truths that feel impossible to say.  By listening to my silence, you are helping me find my voice.

In My Silence

Sit still in my silence a moment

There you will hear my cries and my hurts

If you look into my eyes you will see

A brokenness too deep for words

Sit still in my silence a moment

I need you to simply be there

Your quiet patience in the midst of my silence

Speaks to me volumes of the depths of your care

Sit still in my silence a moment

I know that's a hard thing to do

But one day my silence will be broken

And I will know I can speak with you